I wanted to post pictures again, here. Couldn't think of any significant event lately other than this. This happened a month ago, when I was hospitalized. I and my friends had a fun in that, otherwise, depressing room. I bet a lot people died there and a lot cried. It's nice to think we smiled a lot when we were there.

That's me smiling with dextrose and all.

With my friends, Dandie (on my right) and Gida (on my left)

Smile, though you're body's aching.

"condemn the priest that made you mad and hurt your feelings so much dave, but not the entire catholic church in general....
you don't believe in God anymore?
whom do you believed at! you sound like you've become an atheist now...shame on you! if you're writing it to impress people or just for the heck of it, then, it ain't funny...and obviously not very nice to think about...freedom of expression is good but condemning the church as well as GOD is a mortal sin...come to think of it. "ang gaba raba dili magsaba"....i enjoyed reading your blogs all the time except this one...please dont write stuff like this again. thats scares me."

 

Auntie, have you really read the entire blog entry? Because if you did, you’ll realize there’s no need for you to write this. Honestly, the moment i read your response and that was a few minutes ago, I felt devastated. For someone to not examine my writing fully especially when it deals with a subject i feel strongly about, pains me, even more when he puts it in writing.

Yes, I detest the priest and in fact, if I were raised in a less decent environment and were in front of him the moment he said those ridiculous words, I don’t know what I would have done aside from the most tempting idea of spitting on his face. And the reason why he was confident in saying those was because he is a priest, a Catholic priest, which even made it worse since I claim to be a member of the institution where he is thought highly of. You know why? Because when a priest, within the vicinity of the church, and wearing his robe is asked for an opinion about whether or not an issue is moral, his opinion is the Catholic Church’s opinion. Not just his own. And the reason why he is so proud to verbalize his judgment about homosexuals is because he is so sure the church he serves supports him. Does it not? And if you are a member of the Catholic Church and hears him preaching this, you have to agree with it. That’s why a lot of people are so sure that we, homosexuals, are evil and will be burned in hell.

In the past we were led to believe homosexuals as sinful and immoral human beings. We almost treat them like animals. As a child, who didn’t know I was one of them, I believed this too. It was not until I grew up and tried to understand myself, my behaviour and the nature of my being that I am not sinful because of my sexual preference at all. I am sinful because I am a human being, not because I’m gay. Does the Catholic Church accept this? No. What they just want is for us to believe that we are sinners and immoral and, for us to be redeemed, we need to come to them and with God’s power, we will be healed. As if what we have is a disease.

I don’t know why you mentioned the word “atheist” in your comment. If you re- read my blog entry, you will not see anything there about me despising God, or not believing Him. I never talk about God easily. Because when I think about Him I think of the things I have done, am still doing, and am still going to do that might not be in accordance to the ideals set by Him.

Let me tell you about the God I believe in. My God, knows me more than anyone else in this world. Even knows myself more than I do. And the God I know is a reasonable God; someone who also sees the circumstances, not just the result. He is someone who loves me even more than my parents do. Look at my mama and papa. I know they love me so much. But I also know that if given a chance to change me to become straight, they would have done it because I know they want me to live a normal life the way most of the others do. But they have learned to accept me because I know that they see more in me than what society and the Church tells them. That kind of love, to the Gazillionth power, is how the God I believe in loves me. The God of the Catholic Church that I know has no interest in knowing who I am; not to mention, loving me. He has only given me two choices: to be straight or to go to hell.

I am not an atheist. I have faith in a power greater than me. Much as it pains me to accept but I don’t think I believe in Catholicism anymore. But, believe me, I so want to. I just don’t think it’s right when you claim to be a believer of that Institution when the truth is you only believe parts of what it preaches.

When I came home from duty, I had no intention of writing anything. I just wanted to pull up my websites to check on updates and then I stumbled upon your comment. Now I find myself in front of the PC for 4 hours trying to respond to you. And this scene pretty much summarizes how I come up with something written. Something has to happen to make me want to write or else the repressed ideas would just bother me.

If you can check on my blog sites, you will notice that I don’t even write that much. And there’s a reason for that.

Writing for me is a need. It comes without an effort when there’s something I want to desperately express. Although sometimes, when the feeling is so overwhelming, I also couldn’t write. An example of this is the blog entry where you posted a comment on. I just made an introduction after I saw the news on TV Patrol Cebu. The rest is an article written by JJ Garcia. If you read it carefully, you will see his name there.

I don’t know where you get the idea that I could be writing just for the heck of it or just to impress people. If they are indeed impressed, that’s good. But what does that do? If you’re fishing for attention and compliments, go write about shopping or about love, or choose the most recent movie to review. And make sure you write everyday. But these are not the things I write about; and that’s not how I write. When I do, the people I expect to read are those who think. Not the ones who are reading just to be impressed as a product of inferiority complex because they cannot write. Or of superiority complex because they think someone writes as good as or better than them.

I don’t know Auntie Jennifer; I respect you as my aunt. But I need you to see me as a grown- up. And I’d like to think that I made sense in what I wrote; although, a lot of people, like you, may not agree with it.

As regards me not writing what you referred to as “stuff like this.” I’m not sure what the exact things, that fall into that category, are; but I will continue to write and express what I feel and make sure it will create ripples and move people to create changes that make us closer to having a world governed by sensibility, compassion and, respect.

 

 

 

 

 

The other day, I went malling with my friends, Cristy and Melanie to just stroll and, I guess, maybe, buy things we'd later on realize we do not need. The three of us had just at most an hour of sleep since our shift ended at 7:30 am that day and we had to be at our chosen restaurant for a farewell lunch wih our old team by 11:00 am (just for you to understand this better, we just had our re-shuffling. and we started meeting with our new teams and team leads early this month.) we had fun 'though i could have sworn we looked like daytime zombies. Pretty ones, of course.

So we were there at SM. We went to every part of it we thought would offer us tempting things to buy. Most of the places we went to bored me to death since most of them were in women's department (yes, i'm gay but i'm not a woman nor a transvestite so yes, the women's department part of the mall bores me.) And there went my two girl friends looking for shoes and some blouses. They messed up the arrangements which gave the sales ladies something to do and relieve them of boredom and then we left without buying anything. What we did was not illegal, was it?

As expected, we got bored and our toes and knees ached. I even remember diagnosing myself of rheumathitis. which is not impossible since I was never one of those who checks the contents before he swallows the things that are on his plate. Going back to the part where we got bored, during this appalling state, something happened which made me feel that there are still a lot of things science needs to uncover. things the young, old, yet unborn scientists need to burn their midnight oils for. one of them would be the explanation to this which I call (for lack of better words) coincidence.

A special case of coincidence happened when out of the blue or pink or lavender or whatever, Cristy asked me if I've ever been in love (I know what you're thinking. that this is gonna be mushy. Please don't stop reading yet, I promise I'll try my best not to make you puke.) So there, that was the question. The initial reaction Cristy got from me was a look that, translated into words woulds say: That's the most ridiculous quesion I've ever heard in my life. But then she responded with a look that said: Okay, I'm being ridiculous, probably because I'm bored but I need an answer to it to...uhm...save the world from destruction. The world destruction thingie, i don't know where that came from.

I remember being made to ponder for a few seconds after that. But we were inside the freakin' mall and it was not a place for me to initiate a discussion about a subject I feel deeply about. I did not want to get serious because when I do, I tend to ruin everything. A simple question which can just be answered by yes or no can turn into a long, ponderous, and long pseudo-philosophical discussion. When this happens, my companions may lose their boredom but may also lose their appetite for fun and would result to them throwing me some "non-ridiculous" questions just to make me digress and that would not be easy. So after a few seconds, I finally verbalized my thoughts.

"Love, I don't even know what that is,"

 to which, Cristy replied ", Don't give me that crap," 

"I mean i am attracted to a lot of guys. I had a lot of guys i thought i fell "in love" with before but always later on, they fade and i realize that it isn't love after all"

"Why do you say so, how do you know it wasn't if you don't know what it is?"

"Because they all faded. And I never even got to know most of them deeply so how can you love someone you dont know. a lot of times, we hear from people who share even unsolicited advices that when we love someone we have to accept their weaknesses as well as their strengths. but how can you do that when you don't even know what those are? Therefore no, i didn't love those guys. I just liked them because they were yummy and... i don't know."

"You're over-thinking it, Davey. I just wanted to know if you have experienced loving someone. a guy who you like being with, maybe, and makes you happy."

"No, I havent" I just answered to stop it. The truth is I beieve have experienced it, loving someone. Someone who makes you feel happy when you see him. Someone you want so much but, in my situaton, it hurts because I know I can only love him from afar. We can only exchange glances and casual signs of recognition and all that jazz which makes me, i don't know, use an invisible wall just to distance myself from every man I meet, that I would not end up wanting them and making them a cause for me to feel pain thus making them the subject of my illusion and writings of which what you're reading now is an example.

Just a few seconds after I said "No," this guy appeared. I'm not comfortable writing his name here so let's call him Ely. He, who I so wanted to be with in college appeared right in front of us. But he didnt see us. The moment this happened I confessed to Cristy that I lied. That I might have felt love before. And it doesn't matter whether or not it was reciprocated or  shown it but I'm sure what I felt was love as described by the poets. That's why I call it "loving" (I'm about to finish. Just hold your breath.)

I didnt even have the courage to say "Hi" to him. I was in shock then and both of my comapnions noticed it. Melanie even noticed that my hands were a little cold.

This is exhausting me. I'd like to go back to the reason why I talked about this incident. It's because of coincidence, I hope you still remember it. And the reason why I think science needs to be able to explain this is because, maybe, I want that moment to mean something. That it happened for a reason. That what happended was a traditional novel where everything is included in the story for a reason as opposed to the ones that belong to the Stream of Consciousness category.

My head is aching now. It looks unfinished but I'll see if I can do something about it some other day.

 

 

i was born Catholic, and even if these past few years, i've doubted if i truly believed in the religion my parents has chosen for me,  never have i felt such hatred to it and the people who run it until yesterday, when i read about a certain priest here in Cebu, Philippines who let out a statement in response to the controversial "Rectal Surgery Scandal"  that made me say "F**k the Catholic church!"

I'm sorry, but i'm just mad. and i dont know if, right now i can be eloquent enough to write the words that would reflect what i want people to know. a lot of things are going on inside my head now and it's too painful to sort them out and translate them into a readable essay.

So i visited an lgbt site and got this entry from jj garcia, one of the members of the group, ANGLADLAD, and i couldnt help but copy his words and repost it anywhere i could. he wrote in his entry exactly what i wanted to say. here it is:

They did it again. And I'm angry.

First of all, let's state the obvious: the Catholic Church is ignorant, backwards, arrogant, bigoted, delusional, and false.

The "commission of a homosexual act" is NOT the issue behind the scandal. For this dumb priest to even say that it is, means he's just not paying attention. Senile much?

His assertion that the doctors and nurses who made fun of the operation, captured a video of the operation, and humiliated the patient on the internet, should not be blamed makes clear the bigotry and distorted values of the Catholic Church.

They are quite accepting of people who ridicule the different, tolerant of oppression as long as it is directed toward people with other values, and praising of those who do evil, immoral, and unconscionable acts as long as they wear God's cross.

We must not believe the Church when they preach compassion for the sick for the simple reason that IT IS NOT TRUE. They don't believe that, they may think they believe that but in their hearts they will condemn the next AIDS patient they see, maybe for homosexuality or for having sex at all.

If the Catholic Church believes what it believes and continues to spew their disgusting opinions in our society, then it is a lie when they say they value the dignity of people. What they value are their bigotry, hatred, and this scripture from the medieval period they use to back up their bigotry and hatred with.

We have to be vigilant about these issues. Yes, there should be an uproar. Yes, we should be outraged. Caressing the conservative society's sensitivities is not working anymore. And tolerating their bigotry is in itself immoral. And for those in our community who still have a soft spot for the Church, I don't have any doubt that the Church have done good things in our society but fundamentally their teachings are bigoted and discriminatory. Fundamentally, "gays are going to hell".

__._,_.___

Colds may not be the worst thing to happen to anyone but right now i believe it shares its place with HIV if we consider the level of eagerness i have in getting rid of it. I took a day off and i know it will not please our Team Lead who's currently concerned with our team's absenteeism rate. But what can i do? I sneeze as frequently as 6 times every 10 minutes and if i were on-duty right now, my customers would be put on mute for long periods of time which will trigger their dissatisfaction ,and when translated into numbers at the end of the month might cause me to lose my job. i don't know if i i made sense there but anyone who works in a call center like me knows what i mean.

i'm also suffering some form of anxiety right now. you see, last february, i, the thick-faced and ambitious fag joined the huge crowd lining up in SM Cebu (to those who are not familiar with this place, this is a mall in Cebu City) hoping for some validation of their belief that they have talent in singing. i was with my brother and his girlfriend. both are very good singers and i'm not just saying that just because they're family. my brother got disqualified because of some missing requirements and his girlfriend, unfortunately, wasnt able to control her nerves that she almost puked in front of the audtion masters (they are the ones who conduct the screening first and the ones who pass will be able to audition  on tv in front of three judges.) when it was my turn, i sang a song which made the masters say "no" and got me disappointed because  thought i gave the greatest performance of my life (this is an exageration, please don't think i'm pathetic or something) but then as soon as i got out, one of the AM'S called me back to sing two more songs and, this time, they gave me the ticket. i don't know why they made me go back into that room, was it because of my hair? just guessing.

so now i, my brother, his girlfriend, and my best friend travelled from SM to a hotel located about a gazillion miles away that i almost gave all of my half-month salary to the cab driver(oh dear it was a long day, you have no idea) finally we got the hotel from far far away and were led to a room where the rest of the contestants were made to stay. we all sat there with different expressions on our faces. mine was saying "let's get this over and done with so we can finally eat and go home." after a century, i got called. it was my time to be grilled.

i went inside the dreaded room after being reprimanded by one of the prod staff members because i went for the the door ealier than i should have. it was hard since you have to keep looking fine for the camera, i mean the freaking cameras were on all the time. one was like staring at me like i have a salad dressing on my face. so, yeah i was careful.  i had no intention of making a scene to be included in the bloopers portion of the show. you can't be too careful especially now that we have digicams and youtube. our mistakes no matter how little, when captured, can be immortalized and become instant box office hits (does Janina San Miguel or Miss South Carolina ring a bell?) so now...uhmm..where was i again? oh yeah, got it now. so went inside the room and it was bigger than i thought. the first face i recognized was Jolina's (and i have to say she's kinda cute in person, not that i'm attracted to girls now) and then there was Wyngard Tracy who's mouth can let out fire that can turn you into a humunguos charcoal. i went to the small platform stood there and answered a couple of questions as beauty queen-like as possible and finally they asked me to sing.

I have to stop right there. As regards the result of my singing, you will soon find out. I'm just glad got to write again. i'ts been ages since i wrote a decent composition.

By the way, the name of the competition i joined (am joining?) is Pinoy Idol, the Philippine franchise of the American Idol and will be aired starting April 5th.

 

last weekend, our company's team finally decided to push throught with our team building which was long overdue. it's something weve been planning to have since ages ago and finally we had ] it and guess what? whe did not only have fun, i'd have to say we also made our relationship as a team stronger. no inhibitions, everyone was enjoying the white sand, the blues sea, the changing mood of the sun and, of course, the company of each other. the moments spent there were, of course, captured so i posted some of the pictures here.

 

that was me experimenting. lol.  but never mind me, look at the sunset and the sea. beautiful, isnt it?

i'll post more pictures here as soon as i can.

 

 

just the happy me on the stairs. this picture was taken last christmas during our company's Chrismasquerade party. it didnt appear so much as a masquerade than a continuation of last year's Oscar-themed Christmas party. i know it's already the month of march. and i know what you're thinking. you're correct i'm just trying to catch up for those months i left this account unattended. other than that, i also wanted to pos another picture here as an experiment just like the first one.

forgive me guys if i'm not making much sense here. i just feel like doing this at the moment.

i don't want to say this but at the risk of being redudant, i will, since it's true: it's been a long time since i wrote an entry here.

there. i can say that's my signature introduction. i believe i've had journal entries that began with that line. i don't know how many times i used it for this blogsite though. some, have even been modified in the interest giving the impression that my vocabulary is not the size of a kindergarten pupil's.

a lot of things happened. good things, not so good things which i hope will eventually turn out fine. what trigered me to visit this site again was my conversation with my aunt Jennifer who's now in the United States. i had a chat with her regarding my mom who has been there for about three months now in the hope of making our lives better. now she's coming home and i'm so happy she will. life has been different without her. i mean, i know i seldom contact my family even when she was still here in the Philippines but the thought that i can always go home and visit her and that she'll always be there with warm and open arms to welcome and hug me is just different. it just is. and i'm sure my mom can feel the difference too. i know she misses us and it would even be harder on her part 'coz she's alone in a foreign land with only my aunt and uncle to accompany her. kind people who may not always be there to attend to her emotional needs.

i know my mom is trying her best to be in full control of her emotions. and no matter what everyone else says, if she comes home now, i'll be here waiting for her warm embrace.

i love you mom.

i woke up at 7 in the evening and nobody's at home. just me and it's so silent. usually, our room is far from what we can describe to as silent since the people in our neighboring rooms  seem to think the three of us, I, my best friend and his cousin fight all the time. well, we don't but we talk as if we do. as if we are 100 meters away from each other. not to mention the abundance of expletives and gestures that might make others say we so wanna kill each other.

i haven't updated this site for a long time. maybe it's because i have discovered lots of things to do on the web that sometimes, when i sit here, i immediately start discovering things. right now, i'm into youtube which now takes a big percentage of my free time. i just like that site. one video leads to another and it makes me feel delight that i am able to revisit scenes and videos i watched before that i never thought i'll be able to see again. also, i'm fascinated at how some great instances brought by great artists of the past have been captured for us to view today. imagine me having goosebumps and all watching Ella Fitzgerald in her 1969 Montreux concert; or watching Dusty Springfield singing her version of "A House is not a Home," my all-time favorite song with my all-time favorite musician, Burt Bacharach; and lately, i'm into clips from the reality show So You Think You Can Dance? these past two weeks, i've delighted in watching the brilliant dancing routines from that show. especially the ones choreographed by Mia Michaels and, of course, Wade Robson.

it feels good to write again. i hope i can do this more frequently.